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How To Stop Becoming a People Pleaser

Ah, the people pleaser. We've all been there. You're standing at a party and someone asks if you'd mind making them a drink. It's not an unreasonable request, but it's also not that important to you. And yet, you do it anyway just don't want to disappoint them! Maybe they'll get mad at me! Maybe they won't like me anymore! Maybe they'll think I'm selfish! If this sounds like something you might be dealing with on a regular basis, don't worry: You're not alone. But here’s the thing: There are ways we can stop ourselves from becoming people pleasers in the first place so we can start enjoying our lives again—and I'm going to share those secrets with you today!

Recognize that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors

The first step in learning to stop being a people pleaser is to recognize that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. You can only take responsibility for your own.

It's easy to feel like you're responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when you care about them or want them to like you. You might worry that if you don't do what someone asks of you they won't be happy with you or think less of you. But this isn't true! It doesn't matter if someone else is happy with you—you don't have control over that! What matters most is your own happiness, satisfaction, and well-being—not anyone else's.

Set boundaries and say no to requests that infringe on your values or time.

When it comes to pleasing others, it's easy to lose sight of what's best for you. But it's time to start putting yourself first. If someone asks you to do something that doesn't align with your values or infringes on your time, politely decline the request and explain why. The person will likely respect you more for being honest and setting boundaries. You'll feel better about yourself knowing that you did not allow someone else’s desires to override your own needs. And by putting yourself first, you’ll be happier—which is exactly what people pleasers need most!

Learn to differentiate between productive guilt and toxic guilt.

Productive guilt