Ah, the people pleaser. We've all been there. You're standing at a party and someone asks if you'd mind making them a drink. It's not an unreasonable request, but it's also not that important to you. And yet, you do it anyway because...well...you just don't want to disappoint them! Maybe they'll get mad at me! Maybe they won't like me anymore! Maybe they'll think I'm selfish! If this sounds like something you might be dealing with on a regular basis, don't worry: You're not alone. But here’s the thing: There are ways we can stop ourselves from becoming people pleasers in the first place so we can start enjoying our lives again—and I'm going to share those secrets with you today!
Recognize that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors
The first step in learning to stop being a people pleaser is to recognize that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. You can only take responsibility for your own.
It's easy to feel like you're responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when you care about them or want them to like you. You might worry that if you don't do what someone asks of you they won't be happy with you or think less of you. But this isn't true! It doesn't matter if someone else is happy with you—you don't have control over that! What matters most is your own happiness, satisfaction, and well-being—not anyone else's.
Set boundaries and say no to requests that infringe on your values or time.
When it comes to pleasing others, it's easy to lose sight of what's best for you. But it's time to start putting yourself first. If someone asks you to do something that doesn't align with your values or infringes on your time, politely decline the request and explain why. The person will likely respect you more for being honest and setting boundaries. You'll feel better about yourself knowing that you did not allow someone else’s desires to override your own needs. And by putting yourself first, you’ll be happier—which is exactly what people pleasers need most!
Learn to differentiate between productive guilt and toxic guilt.
Productive guilt is a feeling of remorse for something you've done that was wrong or harmful, and it can help you learn from your mistakes. Toxic guilt, on the other hand, is an excessive amount of regret over something that wasn't your fault in the first place. It's paralyzing; it makes you feel bad about yourself without any regard for whether or not what happened was actually problematic.
Toxic guilt can be especially detrimental when it comes to self-care—it's common among people who are constantly trying to put others before themselves. To avoid letting this kind of toxic thinking take over your life forever, try these strategies:
● Remember that no one is perfect—not even yourself! Everyone makes mistakes sometimes; don't expect perfection from yourself just because someone else expects it from you.
● Take time out each day (even just 10 minutes) for self-care practices like meditation or journaling so that when negative feelings come up, there will be some space in which those feelings can exist without affecting everything else.
Know what you mean when you communicate with others.
One of the biggest problems with people pleasers is that they don’t know what they want. They are unclear about their needs, expectations, boundaries and values. This makes it difficult for others to understand what the person is saying and can make them feel like they are being manipulated or coerced into doing things that go against their own wishes.
In order to stop being a people pleaser you need to communicate with other people more effectively by making sure that you are clear about your intentions when talking with them. When communicating this means:
● Being aware of how your body language communicates your feelings
● Ensuring that you have a confident voice tone without being too loud or quiet
● Using open questions so others feel comfortable responding openly
Realize that your time and energy have worth.
You are not obligated to give your time to others. You are not obligated to give your energy to others. You are not obligated to give your attention to others. And most importantly, you are not obligated to give your love or affection or support or respect or space in any way at all—to anyone else’s demands and expectations, no matter how much they may seem reasonable.
Express your opinions during a conversation instead of hiding them.
One of the easiest ways to stop being a people pleaser is to express your opinions and feelings during conversations. If you have an opinion, share it! Don't be afraid to say no when asked for something you don't want or can't do. It’s okay if people don’t always agree with you, but they should know that they have the right to express their own opinions as well.
Remember that the only thing you can change is your own behavior.
The next time you find yourself in a situation where you're trying to control other people's behavior, remember that the only thing you can change is your own. You can't change another person and their thoughts and emotions. Everyone has the right to think whatever they want and feel however they want. They also have the right to do whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm others (or themselves).
There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need from others or asking them to change something about themselves if it will improve your relationship with them—but don't expect them to do it just because you ask! The only way someone else will change is if they choose to do so on their own terms, at their own pace, and according to their own desires or needs.
You may feel like you’re crazy, but the truth is that so many people struggle with this problem. Remember that you are not alone in your journey to becoming a better person. By learning how to set boundaries and express yourself without fear or shame, you will be able to stop the cycle of people pleasing and start living a more authentic life.