Author: Blue Oak Therapist
If you find yourself repeatedly choosing partners who turn out to be wrong for you, you're not alone. Many people struggle with the pattern of choosing the wrong partner. It can be frustrating, confusing, and even heartbreaking.
The most common ways we hurt our relationship is engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors. Self-sabotage is when we engage in behaviors that hinder our success or well-being, despite having the ability to do otherwise. When it comes to relationships, self-sabotage can take many forms, and can have serious consequences.
Here are a few examples of ways we set ourselves up for failure in relationship:
1. You have a fear of true intimacy, so you end up seeking emotionally unavailable partner.
Fear of intimacy can cause us to avoid or sabotage close relationships. We may push people away or create distance in order to avoid the vulnerability and potential pain of intimacy. Intimacy is all about emotional connection, and fear of intimacy can prevent us from developing that connection with our partners.
When we avoid vulnerability and keep our partners at arm's length, we miss out on the deep emotional bonds that make relationships fulfilling. If we are constantly on guard and afraid of getting hurt, we may struggle to trust our partners, even if they have given us no reason not to. This can lead to jealousy, suspicion, and conflict in the relationship.
2. You keep dating someone who can't never meet your needs.
Can you identify what you need in a relationship and communicate that to your partner? If not, then you might settle for partners who are not good for us or cannot meet our needs. If we don't know what we want or what is good for us, we may accept mistreatment or overlook red flags in relationships. If we grew up in an environment where unhealthy relationship patterns were the norm, we may be drawn to partners who exhibit those same patterns.
For example, if we grew up in a household where one partner was always dominant and controlling, we may be attracted to partners who exhibit those same behaviors. Breaking the pattern of dating the wrong partner requires a commitment to self-reflection, communication, and self-improvement.
3. You ignored the red flags in your partner's behaviors.
When it comes to relationships, it's important to be aware of red flags that could indicate potential problems. Recognizing these warning signs early on can help you make informed decisions about the relationship and avoid future heartache. Some red flags that may prevent you from being in a healthy relationship are lack of communication, controlling behavior, disrespect, dishonest, and abusive behaviors.
Recognizing these relationship red flags can help you make informed decisions about your relationships. If you notice any of these warning signs, it's important to address them early on and set healthy boundaries. By being aware of these red flags, you can build healthy, fulfilling relationships that support your growth and well-being.
4. You and your partner have different sets of values.
Different values can ruin a relationship because they can create conflicts, misunderstandings, and resentment between partners. Values are the beliefs and principles that guide our behavior and decision-making, and they are deeply ingrained in our personalities and upbringing. When partners have different values, it can lead to disagreements on important topics such as religion, politics, parenting, and finances. These disagreements can erode trust, respect, and intimacy in the relationship, and lead to feelings of frustration, anger, or disappointment. In order to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, partners need to have shared values and goals, or at least a willingness to compromise and respect each other's differences.
5. You keep secrets from your partner
Trust is a crucial component of any healthy and fulfilling relationship. When you keep secrets from your partner, you're betraying their trust and undermining the foundation of your relationship. If your partner finds out that you've been keeping secrets, it can be difficult to rebuild trust and intimacy.
When you keep secrets from your partner, you're not being honest and open with them. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and a lack of emotional connection. When partners don't communicate openly and honestly, it can be difficult to resolve conflicts, share emotions, and build intimacy.
Are you and your partner struggling to communicate effectively? Are you feeling disconnected or frustrated in your marriage? It's not uncommon for couples to experience difficulties in their relationship, but there is help available.
Marriage therapy can provide you with the support, tools, and guidance you need to build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
If you're ready to take the first step towards a stronger and more fulfilling marriage, we invite you to contact us today to schedule a consultation. Here at Blue Oak Counseling we’re more than happy to help you and create positive changes in your life. Contact us today (909) 366-4712.